January Horoscope


Drawn by Ingrid Felsch.

Aries: March 21- April 19

Dear Aries, you have spent two weeks trying to figure out who your Secret Santa is. You are not destined to be a detective. This needs to stop. (It’s me). Your lucky numbers are 1 and 1.1.


Taurus- April 20- May-20

My lovely Taurus- I have some bad news for you. It’s time you recycled that Starbucks gift card sitting in your wallet with only 15 cents left on it. What are you planning to buy at a Starbucks for 15 cents? Nothing. Every time you open your wallet you think to yourself, “I should get rid of this,” but there’s a little voice in your head that says “Keep it, you’ll use it with the rest of your money next time.”  Ignore that voice. Your lucky numbers are 5 and 17,892.


Gemini- May 21- June 20

Please water your plants. Seriously, I feel dehydrated just thinking about them. Your succulents can’t live off of iced coffee and leftover chicken nuggets like the rest of us. Your ivy is not alive. Your lucky numbers are 456 and 24.


Cancer: June 21-July 22

Cancers, I feel like you need attention. I’m a Cancer and I need attention so I feel your pain. Your lucky numbers are 6 and 87.


Leo: July 23-August 22

Leos, can you try and survive another month without giving yourself a spur of the moment haircut? I feel like it would be really beneficial. Your lucky numbers are 205 and 2033.


Virgo: August 23-September 22

Virgos, why do I feel like you have an unhealthy obsession with a TikTok eboy? Please stop. Your lucky numbers are 98 and 99.


Libra: September 23-October 22

Libras stop going to Chick-fil-A. Your lactose intolerant selves cannot handle another one of their milkshakes. Your lucky numbers are 25 and 5242.


Scorpio: October 23-November 21

Scorpios, I think you should be spontaneous this month. Text your ex (don’t actually because then I’ll get in trouble), or give yourself curtain bangs. You’ll probably regret it. Your lucky numbers are 8 and 36.


Sagittarius: November 22-December 21

Sagittarius, this month you should go keto. I’m kidding. That keto person on my “for you” page keeps showing me keto recipes that are made entirely of cheese and it lowkey looks gross. So don’t eat cheese. Your lucky numbers are 87 and 754.


Capricorn: December 22-January 19

Capricorns, can you go on a hike with me? You’re born in the wintery months so for some reason I feel like you like the outdoors. Your lucky numbers are 3423 and 134.


Aquarius: January 20-February 18

Aquarius, you need to get your friends presents for the holidays now. It’s going to be too late if you don’t go now. Can you get me a Gibby shirt? Thanks! Your lucky numbers are 28 and 2398.


Pisces: February 19-March 20

‘Sup Pisces. I think you should watch Julie and The Phantoms. I’m obsessed with Charles Gillespie and so will you. Your lucky numbers are 44 and 7393.