Aries: March 21 – April 19

Dear Aries, do you really need more candles? Your room already smells like a Bath and Body Works. Eucalyptus and lemon-pineapple are two scents that should never mix. My advice is to start a coin collection or something instead. Your lucky numbers are 32 and 4.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

My darling Taurus, I’m so proud of you! You finally started using some of the yeast you bought in April. I’m sure your milk bread is delicious, even if the first rolls you made weren’t edible :), Your lucky numbers are 12 and 13.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Dear Gemini, I know procrastination is bad or whatever, but finishing everything the second it’s assigned is terrifying. Next time I ask you if you want to work on our history homework together I better not hear, “Oh, I’ve already finished it.” Your lucky numbers are 56 and 39.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Cancers, I’ve been trying this new thing where I make a daily to-do list and it is lowkey working out really well. 10/10 recommend you try this for this month. Your lucky numbers are 34 and 14780.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Dear Leo, I think you need a new phone case. Your screen is so cracked you can barely see what’s on it long enough to play candy crush. Just make sure I’m not around next time you drop it, because when it shatters into a million pieces I don’t want to get hit in the face with a shard of glass. Your lucky numbers are 4 and 8.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

 Dearest Virgo, how’s that 1,000 piece puzzle going? The one that’s been sitting on the table for two months. Have you finished it yet? I bet you haven’t. Get on that. Your lucky numbers are 44 and 10,293,822,983.

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Libra: September 23 – October 22

My lovely Libras, I am going to give you the best piece of advice you have ever received: listen to Pierre by Ryn Weaver. It makes you just want to jump and dance around your room. It gets all of the negative energy and bad vibes out. Your lucky numbers are 3 and 235.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Dear Scorpio, I’m aware that you got a 97 on our last math test, but it was not “the easiest test we’ve had all year,” okay? You’re just really good at math. Your lucky numbers are 100 and 74. (guess which one of those is the grade I got. Hint: it wasn’t a 100.)

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

Sagittarius, this month you need to drink water. I’m serious. That medium caramel swirl with cream and sugar is just not going to cut it anymore. Literally invest in a gallon water bottle and drink the entire bottle each day. Your body will thank me. Your lucky numbers are 23 and 22789.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

Yo Capricorns, I think what you honestly need to do this month is have a daily scream. Get in a car and just yell. It will do wonders for your mental health. I do it and it is delightful. Your lucky numbers are 52346 and 33429.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Aquarius, congrats on your birthday! One of my best friends is an Aquarius so I have a soft spot for y’all. The one lesson I will give you is that you should never pet another cat. The energy I’m getting is really bad when it comes to you and cats. I deeply apologize if this causes any inconvenience. Your lucky number is your birthday date. 

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Hey Pisces, I am writing this on a Monday, so my advice for you is to watch The Bachelor tonight. It is an iconic show and after the episode we can text about it. The stars and moon are aligning so that it creates the letter B, which indicates The Bachelor. Your lucky numbers are 343 and 346.