Aries: March 21- April 19

Dear Aries, you should find no shock in the number of secret admirers that have revealed themselves to you this Valentine’s Day. (That was vague on purpose, and your lucky numbers are 12 and 876347584). 

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Dear Taurus, why are you re-painting your nails every other day? Don’t get me wrong, they look beautiful, but that amount of acetone daily is probably not so great for them. Don’t come crying to me when your cuticles are the consistency of rice paper. (Your lucky numbers are 4563654 and 35).

Gemini: May 21- June 20

Dear Gemini, I sense a great accomplishment on your horizons. Will you finally figure out how to write legibly? Only time will tell. (Your lucky numbers are 14 and 41).

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Dear Cancer, have you been feeling a strong impulse to watch HGTV lately? I think I had a premonition about it but maybe I was just daydreaming about granite countertops again, who knows. (Your lucky numbers are 597646795 and 254676542- both palindromes because they’re neat).

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Leos, my angels! I have good news for you. While you may not have a Valentine this year, that is totally fine because after today chocolate at stores will be super cheap! I mean, that is the best part about Valentine’s Day right? (Your lucky numbers are 7 and 1456).

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Hey Virgos! I just wanted you to know that I will need you to all be manifesting for me because I am taking my driver’s test today and I really want to pass. Thanks for all your love and support 🙂 (Your lucky numbers are 24085 and 23508). 

Libra: September 23-October 22

Libras, I have a soft spot for you all because you have the same sign as my dog. He is going through a weird phase right now where fires in a fireplace scare him, so my recommendation is to stay away from all things hot. (Your lucky numbers are 10 and 19384).

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

What’s up Scorpios? You all terrify me and remind me of scorpions so I am going to be super nice to you. Scorpios you all are amazing and perfect and please don’t hurt me! (Your lucky numbers are 354 and 235). 

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

Sagittarius, you need to help me. I was burning a candle in my room and I realized that it was almost out, so I went to order another one and the worst thing happened. I learned it was a limited edition candle. So now I need to find another candle with a similar scent and I am extremely upset. So please text me your candle suggestions. (Your lucky numbers are 667 and 24370).

Capricorn: December 22-January 19

‘Sup Capricorns. Ok, so I love you all because you remind me of apricots and acorns. Those two things are amazing. My advice for you is to follow the dude on TikTok with a pet squirrel. I think his handle is @pullupthesquirrel. (Your lucky numbers are 235 and 522442.)

Aquarius: January 20-February 18

Aquarius, light of my life, song of my heart, please, please start writing that essay. You have put it off for way too long and it’s due in what? Two days? You might think you know exactly what you are going to write but trust me, the second you start writing, the entire thing will leave your head as fast as Roadrunner escapes Wile E. Coyote. (Your lucky numbers are 234,337,883,426,542 and -234,337,883,426,542)

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Dear Pisces, if you’ve been asking yourself, “Why are my hands so chapped and dry this winter?” — you might want to consider throwing away the scented hand cream you got for your birthday in 2014, which you keep using even though it has expired and has always smelled fifty percent stronger than anything good for you would. (Your lucky numbers are 111 and 555).